The Darkest Sun
by JustStayGold
Summary: The Sun is the brightest star in the galaxy. It's sometimes used to symbolize happiness and fun times. Sodapop Curtis was like the sun- happy go lucky and carefree. But behind the mask was a very unhappy boy with a secret. Sodapop is gay and despises himself for it. He is the darkest sun. Rated T for self harm and mild swearing.
1. Chapter 1

**Hello people of Fanfiction! I am back to The Outsiders fandom after being MIA for about a year. I could slap myself, how could I leave a fandom so great and full of wonderful people? **

**Moving on, I came up with this idea after struggling with coming to terms with my own sexuality and I am fully awiare that in the 60's, gays were not always accepted like they are now. And I have BIG ideas coming for later chapters so stay tuned and don't let this chapter turn you off! Leave reviews and brighten my life :)**

**I own nothing but this fanfic. **

**XXXX**

Tears silently dripped from his dark brown eyes down his cheeks.

_"I'm so disgusting,"_ he thought to himself.

He's said that to himself over and over. He started to claw at his arm where the scabs and scars from self-inflicted wounds were decorated. He badly wanted to take the knife and cut into his skin until he bled out.

_"What the hell is wrong with me?!" _The internal question he screamed was always answered with bitter silence.

Sodapop Curtis was a very unhappy person deep down. Struggling for years to cope with the painful loss of his parents and his own personal problems- both external and internal. At just 17 years old, he was reaching his breaking point.

Sodapop used to be the happy-go-lucky teenager. The one who could get drunk on life and whose eyes were filled with love and laughter.

But that Sodapop was dead.

Now he only pretended to be happy. It was all fake. Behind his mask was a completely different person. A lost and damaged soul. Full of fear, sorrow, and hopelessness.

Soda was very different from his friends and family. He always was. In good ways and bad. But recently, the good ways in which he was different were fading rapidly and replaced with more horrible ways.

Soda was the only one in the gang and his family that was stupid. And that was a fact. Soda was just plain dumb. No matter what anyone said, Soda knew the truth. He was stupid. That's why he dropped out of school. Soda had already been held back a year in junior high and he didn't want to go through the humiliation again. So he just quit.

Soda was the only person he knew that inflicted pain on themselves. He started when he was thirteen and learned he would have to repeat seventh grade. He got bullied something awful when it spread around school. Soda was getting pushed down, tripped, and spit on even more. He needed a release and the blades were there for him always. Even though he didn't go to school anymore, that didn't mean he stopped hating himself.

But the one thing that made Soda more different from everyone than anything else was the fact that he was gay.

Soda knew that being gay was a sin and that he would never be accepted. He hated himself for it. And he'd be lucky if he didn't get thrown into the looney bin because of it.

But Soda didn't know he was gay until after him and his fake love, Sandy, had been dating for a year. At first, he was confused and thought it would pass. Another year passed until he knew for sure that he was not attracted to girls.

Soda was just fourteen he became infatuated with a girl named Sandy. The met in eighth grade during math class. She was incredibly bright, unlike Sodapop, and offered to help him with his work. The more time they spent together, the more they became closer and their friendship quickly turned into a romance.

But he grew older and more mature. And with that he realized he didn't feel the same way about Sandy anymore. He didn't feel for her in a romantic kind of way or any girl for that matter. He wasn't interested in girls and he didn't want to date one. The only reason why he stayed with Sandy so he could use her as a cover up. Soda was more interested in boys. At only 15 at the time, it confused him and he wasn't sure what it meant. Little did he know, he would eventually find out and his life would change.

Soda had just turned sixteen when he realized that girls was not what he wanted. It was boys. Before he dropped out of school, Soda noticed how he felt during gym class. He would see Steve changing in the locker room and feel...odd. Soda would first feel his face grow hot and his heart pounding. He tried to shrug off the feeling, but it always lingered. It wasn't until one day when the swimming unit started, Soda felt a strange tightness in his crotch while watching his best friend do laps in the pool. He spent the rest of the period in the locker room bathroom, silently crying.

Saying he loved Sandy was one of Soda's biggest lies. He had absolutely no intention of marrying her. He only said to make everything seem normal and no one would ever have any suspicion of who he truly was.

Of course Soda knew he would eventually have to break up with her. Although he liked having Sandy around to hide is secret, he knew it wasn't fair to her. She didn't deserve this.

One day, in the midst of everything happening with Ponyboy and Johnny, Sandy came to the DX and told Soda in a shaky voice that she had to talk to him. Soda was confused and worried. Sandy sounded distressed and her bright blue eyes were rimmed with pink as if she had been crying. He silently led her to a private area in the back.

_"Soda," Sandy started. Her blue eyes glistened with tears. "This isn't easy to tell you, but I don't have a choice."_

_Soda looked at her. Millions of thoughts raced through his mind. _

_"It's okay, Sandy. You can tell me." Soda told her, taking her hand as reassurance. It felt weird. _

_"Soda, I-I just found out that I'm pregnant." Sandy's voice was so low that it was almost a whisper. _

_Soda's heart jumped into his throat and his blood ran cold. They never had sex which clearly meant the baby wasn't his. It also meant Sandy had cheated on him. He let go of her hand. _

_"You're...pregnant?" he simply asked, wanting clarification. _

_Sandy nodded. "I'm so sorry-" _

_Soda cut her off. He wasn't quite sure how to react. He didn't care that Sandy had cheated on him, but he tried his best to act like he did. _

_"How could you do this to me, Sandy? I loved you." the final words tasted funny as Soda spoke them. _

_"Soda, I loved you too, but-" _

_"But what?" Soda cut her off again, trying to make his voice sound firm and hard. _

_"I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt you," Tears started to roll down her cheeks. "Listen, I'm moving to Florida to live with my grandmother. My parents don't want to have the baby here."_

_Soda looked around the room, trying to avoid looking at Sandy. He felt uncomfortable standing there in the position that he was in. _

_"Anyway, here's the address. I don't know if you wanted to stay in contact. If you don't, I understand." Sandy held out a piece of paper. When Soda refused to take it, she set it down on a nearby table. _

_"Goodbye, Sodapop." Sandy's voice broke as she rushed out before he could say anything. _

_When she was gone, Soda picked up the paper with Sandy's address. He ripped it to shreds with a solemn expression on his face._

So Soda never wrote her a letter after all. He came up with the brilliant idea one night. He wasn't upset about what happened with her at all. All his sadness was a result of everything that happened with Johnny, Dallas, and his baby brother. It had finally clicked that he came so close to losing more people in his life.

But that was a year ago. Sodapop was now seventeen and still nobody knew his secret. He desperately wanted to scream that he was gay just to get it over with and off his chest. He had to do it sometime, he just didn't know when.

Soda glanced at his baby brother. He was saddened at the mere sight of him. Would he hate him once he found out? Would Pony shut him out? Ponyboy was so innocent, yet he wasn't. Ponyboy was still young at fifteen, but he had gone through so much. He was going to be successful. And so was Darry. Everyone except Soda would go further in life. Soda was nothing more than a stupid, gay teenager. He struggled to choke back a sob to avoid waking Pony.

Soda bit down on his lip as he inched to the edge of his side. His hand groped blindly under the bed. When he felt the desired object- a small wooden box- his breath caught in his throat. Carefully, slowly, he grabbed it and picked it up. He got off the bed as quickly as he could making as little movement as possible and made his way to the door. He slipped out and walked to the bathroom, clutching the box tightly.

The door was closed and locked behind him. He stared at the box lovingly and full of relief. Grabbing a clean hand towel to catch the blood, Soda pulled his pants halfway down to his knees to allow an unused canvas to be worked on. He never cut his thighs before, but there's a first time for everything.

He opened the box and reached past the razor blades and other scrap metal until he felt his weapon of choice. A switchblade that Two-Bit gave him for his birthday a couple months ago. It was incredibly sharp which made it perfect to mutilate himself.

No tears were shed this time as he pulled the small blade against his left to make various sized incisions. A few gasps escaped him, and he closed his eyes for a short period as the familiar feeling of satisfaction and peace came to him. He pressed the black towel to his thigh and applied pressure. Soda counted down the seconds before he removed it.

_"1..2..3..4..5." _

The sound of the front door opening made Sodapop jump. He dropped the knife suddenly and it clattered on the hard tile floor.

_"Dammit!"_ he thought, hoping nobody heard it.

Soda was still bleeding and he needed to get out of the bathroom. He quickly wiped the blood away with the towel and pulled his pants back up. When the switchblade was stuffed back into the box, he put his ear to the door to hear where the other greaser was. He heard clattering of bottles. Soda breathed a sigh of relief. Whoever it was, they were in the kitchen. Soda could make his escape.

Grabbing his belongings, as well as the towel, Soda opened the door as slowly as he could. Unfortunately for him, it creaked a bit loudly. Two-Bit came around the corner holding a bottle of beer.

"Hey, Sodapop!" Two-Bit greeted happily then eyed the small box he held. "Whatcha got there?"

Soda knew Two-Bit was slightly drunk already and was probably going to just get more drunk as the night went on. He wouldn't remember this.

"Oh, uh...it's nothing. I'm just going to bed now." Soda awkwardly told him.

Two-Bit just shrugged and took another swig of his beer. "Alright. See ya."

Soda hurried to his room and shut the door quietly behind him. He put the box back into its hiding place and the towel joined it. He climbed back into bed. Soda's heart was still pounding due to almost getting caught and his fresh cuts hurt every time he moved. It was nearly one in the morning when Soda drifted off into a restless sleep.


	2. I'm a monster

**Author's Note: Hey, I finally finished this chapter. I got stuck on so many parts, but it's nice to finally be done with it :)**

**It's kind of implied in the previous chapter, I guess, but to avoid any confusion- Johnny and Dally ARE alive. No disabilities, only a few scars from burns. "The Darkest Sun" takes place about a year after the book, so all characters are a year older (Sodapop is almost 18, by the way). **

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own "The Outsiders" (Shocking, isn't it? ;) )**

Soda awoke the next morning to a loud bang coming from somewhere in the house. He turned his head slightly and saw that Ponyboy was gone.

_"Good."_ he thought.

All Soda wanted was to be alone. He wanted to think and try to figure everything out. It had been a year since he finally came to the conclusion he was gay. It never bothered him this much before. He was always able to push it aside. Why was he suddenly feeling this way? Why was he cutting again? He stopped for a short time and now he was back to slicing himself. Was it because everything he was keeping bottled up getting to be too much? Was it because he didn't know how to deal with this? Maybe it was both...

Sodapop turned over and inched towards the alarm clock that was on Pony's bedside table. It read 10:49.

_"That's weird. I never sleep this late."_

Nestling back under the covers, Soda listened to the muffled sounds of his brothers talking and moving stuff around. They'd be so mad at Soda if only they knew...

Sighing sadly, Soda uncovered his arms and rolled up his sleeves. He stared at the silverish pink scars that overlapped each other and the thin red lines that ran up and down his arms. The urge to make more was incredibly intense. Soda needed it badly. He needed to punish himself. Maybe...

"Yeah, I'll go see if he's awake." the sound of Pony's voice made Soda jump.

He heard footsteps walking towards the bedroom door as he quickly rolled his sleeves back down. Soda threw the covers back over his body and he flipped over to his side so his back was facing the door. He pretended to still be asleep as the door opened.

"Soda?" Ponyboy called out to him. "You awake?"

Soda didn't answer and kept his eyes closed.

"Soda, wake up." the younger teen started to shake him gently.

Soda acted like he was just waking up. Rubbing his eyes, he turned to face his brother and mumbled out a, "Mornin'."

"You okay, Soda? You never sleep this late." Pony asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Soda lied. "I'll be out in a minute, okay?"

"Alright." Pony said, walking out of their room.

Once he heard the door close, Soda kicked off the blanket and groaned. When he glanced down, he suddenly gasped. Soda had bled right through his grey pajama pants. He suddenly jumped out of bed and took them off. He threw them underneath the bed and made a mental note to throw them out later. He changed into a pair of jeans and a blue long sleeved shirt. He strolled into the living room were Ponyboy and Two-Bit were at. He noticed that his oldest brother was nowhere to be found.

"Did Darry already leave?" Soda asked.

"Yeah, he left a few minutes ago." Pony answered, not even looking away from the television.

"Hey, Soda," Two-Bit said suddenly. "Come here, I want to talk to you for a minute."

Two-Bit walked into the kitchen and Soda reluctantly followed.

"Are you feelin' alright?"

"Huh?" Soda wasn't sure if he'd heard him right. Since when was anybody worried about him?

"Are you feelin' alright?" Two-Bit repeated. "You haven't been yourself lately and, I don't know, I guess I'm just worried about you,"

Soda stood motionless for a minute, unsure of what to do, then forced a smile.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just haven't been feelin' too good these past few days. Guess I'm sick or something, but I'll be fine," Soda said.

"You sure?" Two-Bit said, not fully believing his friend.

"Yeah." he said and quickly escaped into the living room to avoid further questions.

"Soda, do you want to go to a movie with me?" Ponyboy asked his brother once he sat down on the couch.

Soda shook his head. "No, not really," he mumbled. Usually Sodapop would've already been out the door by now, but not today. He didn't feel like doing anything. He didn't even want to get out of bed.

When Soda saw the disappointed look on Pony's face, he quickly suggested that he ask Johnny to go with him.

"Sure," the green-gray eyed teen said, his voice laced with a hint of disappointment.

Two-Bit glared at Soda, who didn't seem to notice, and suddenly jumped up.

"Wait a minute, kid. I'll go with y'all," he happily offered.

Ponyboy looked back at him, slightly surprised. "You sure?"

Two-Bit shrugged. "Why not? I ain't got nothing better to do."

Pony peered back at Soda. He was staring at the television, but not paying attention to it. He looked..._sad _and that worried Ponyboy.

"You sure you don't want to go, Soda?" he offered again.

"No, thanks." Soda said, not looking away from the TV.

"Something wrong?" Pony asked, concern evident in his voice.

The seventeen year old shook his head as he finally looked at Pony and Two-Bit. "I'm just tired, I guess," he said, his dark brown eyes meeting Two-Bit's concerned gray ones. "I'm fine." he directed the last part more to Two-Bit than to Ponyboy. He turned back to the television.

"C'mon, kid. Let's go." Two-Bit

Soda waited a couple minutes until he was sure they were gone. He turned off the TV and threw the remote control across the room in sudden frustration. He let out an angry sigh and ran his fingers through his dark gold hair.

Anger was an emotion he rarely felt. Soda couldn't even remember the last time he felt so mad. He was mad at Two-Bit for reasons he didn't even know, mad at his parents for leaving him and his brothers when they still needed their love and guidance, and especially mad at himself. Soda was angry with himself for being everything that he was. A dropout, stupid, a cutter, and, of course, a fag.

Suddenly, the anger slowly started to dissolve into sadness. Soda felt his body getting less tense and his vision blurred. He couldn't have stopped the tears from falling even if he wanted to.

Maybe this was a punishment. Maybe God hated Sodapop because he was gay and decided to take away his parents.

Hey, Soda _was_ a disgusting fag and he deserved everything he got. That was one of the reasons why he inflicted himself with cuts. Because he **deserved** it.

Soda was shaking and sobbing as he went over this in his head. He suddenly jumped up and ran into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. His heart was pounding in his chest, tears poured down his cheeks like a waterfall, and his breath was coming out in short gasps. He turned on the shower quickly, hoping that one would provide some sort of relief.

He stripped off his clothes quickly and got in, pulling the curtain back.

Soda noticed a razor sitting on the edge of the bathtub. He didn't bother to fight the urge, he grabbed it and opened it. Carefully, he took the blade out and held it to his scarred arm. He held his breath and cut into his skin. Blood mixed in with the water and Soda watched it go down the drain.

He continued to work on his arms. It hurt, but he didn't stop although he knew he had to. He needed to cut. It was what he deserved to being a disgusting faggot.

Suddenly, Soda put the blade back into the razor and slammed it back onto the edge of the bathtub. Blood and water continued to flow freely down his arms and down the drain. It took a great amount of self control not to pick it up again.

"It's okay," Sodapop whispered to himself. "You're done. It's okay. Don't think about it."

He quickly finished in the shower. His fresh cuts hurt, but he eventually grew used to the stinging pain.

"I can't take this anymore." Soda kept repeating this sentence over and over again.

After searching for any trace of blood and finding none, he turned off the shower. He dried off quickly and carefully so he wouldn't open any of the fresh cuts and changed back into his clothes.

He returned to the living room and retrieved the remote that he had thrown across the room. Soda curled up into a pathetic ball on the couch and his dark brown eyes were filled with tears as he stared lifelessly at the moving images on the television screen.

_"I'm a monster."_

That night during dinner, Sodapop didn't eat much. He was starving, but he felt sick. He was drifting in and out of his own thoughts and listening to Pony ramble on nonstop about something that nobody probably even cared about.

_"Will that kid ever shut up?"_ Soda thought, surprisingly angry. That's all he ever did was talk and never shut up! It's no wonder Steve didn't like him, he was so annoying and-

"Soda? Are you feeling alright?" Darry asked.

"Huh?" the sound of his name being said shook Soda out of his inner rage.

"Are you feeling okay?" his oldest brother repeated.

_"Here we go...again."_ Soda was annoyed, but managed to conceal his true feelings. He took a deep breath and came up with yet another lie. _Always lying..._

"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just not hungry. I had a big lunch," Sodapop lied. "And I'm really tired, I didn't sleep too good last night."

Darry nodded slightly, believing this. Soda excused himself from the table and went straight to his room, closing the door behind him.

Soda took off his shirt and pants. Before changing into his pajamas, he looked down at his damaged body. Scars ranging from thin to fat and long to short covered his arms and even his stomach. Some overlapped each other and others were in perfect, neat rows. His thighs were covered in the angry red lines from the previous night. They ran across his skin like ugly red worms and snakes.

_"If they knew about this, I'd get thrown into the loony bin for sure," _Soda thought to himself. "_I'm just a monster."_

Maybe some secrets are just never meant to be told.

**Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed this chapter :) Another point I wanted to bring up was that I know that the first two chapters focus mainly on Soda's struggle with self injury. That is an important part in the story, but it's not the main focus. The next chapters will not be revolving around self injury, I promise. And like I said, I have big plans coming later. Chapter 3 will be a very big chapter. I'm so excited!**

**Until next time- **

**JustStayGold**


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